Ninja Assassin — About the only other time I’ve seen that much CG blood is when I play any of my favorite video games.

Which is, to say, there’s a lot of the stuff in the movie.  That, plus, if it helps, the blood in this movie is vibrant red — even in the dark.  It’s not even the “it-drips-and-looks-sticky” Kill Bill type of blood, it’s full-on-it-splatters-the-most-where-its-cut-and-stains-the-floor-but-hardly-looks-slippery CG blood.

Ninja Assassin is the tale of a ninja named Raizo (Rain), taking revenge on the Ozunu clan, the very ninja clan that raised him and taught him the ways of the ninja.  That’s basically it.  A to B.

There’s also this thing about him relocating to Berlin, gettling tangled with Europol, German troops versus ninjas finale etc etc etc.  Not that anybody talked in German, or, other than the sign on the parking lot that said “AUSFAHRT,” any indicator that they were indeed in Berlin goes out the window.  He could have very well been hiding out in Manila, and it probably wouldn’t make any difference.

The movie works when there are ninjas on-screen or when there are body parts flying about — but the talking parts?  I get confused — why would a ninja need help from an intelligence agency?  The only logical thing would’ve been to tag another ninja to help along, so why get an intelligence agency researcher?  Just because she believes in “ninjas”?  (A line by Maslow, “ninjas?! in this day and age?”)

Also, in the confrontations between the ninjas and the German military troops — the army guys ALL die in the scene where Raizo was captured, but they bloody well dominated the finale — and the agents helping Raizo, Mika (Naomie Harris) and Maslow (Ben Miles) seem to be protected by plot armor.  No matter how many shurikens slice and dice their allies, they seem to always manage to get away, unscathed.

The nice thing about the movie is how they eventually build-up the image of the ninja.  They are urban legend material — they are more than human, at least until some get shot down and some get hit by cars.  You’d think with extraordinary ninja sensory acuity, Raizo would’ve heard the ambush, or maybe during that terrifying slice-and-dice chase on the road, they’d have heard a car screeching nearby and jump out of harm’s way, right?

The film is done in a way where it’s stylized, but not quite?  Raizo’s kusarigama (the chained sickle weapon) chains slow down every so often and leave motion trails, then speeds up ’til it hits the intended target.  Shurikens leave those shiny silver trails to let you know some went this way, some went the other way.  Amputated body parts are neatly cut.  A washer stuffed with body parts jumps about and protests its heavy load, then slowly lets out blood just as the laundromat’s manager looks on in horror.

Also, in terms of the ninja-drama — I don’t know if the film was trying to be ironic, but they threw every trope in the book.  A nemesis that calls him “little brother,” the final fight-to-the-death with the master, flashbacks, a tragic incident involving a love interest, etc.  THOSE parts had me laughing. 

All in all — it works when limbs are a-flying, but it lacks a certain … umami to truly make it even more entertaining. And, well, sorry Rain, but the best ninja-related thing I’ve seen this week is still Turtles Forever. 

3/5

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Also, the girls in the theater must’ve been seeing a different movie — they covered their eyes when sharp metal objects and CG blood are on-screen, then they collectively swoon when Raizo’s around.  :p

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A super-special thanks to TV5 / 5MAX Movies and Myk for the invite!  Woohoo!