I love the Baroness.  She did for bitch glasses what April O’Neil did for yellow jumpsuits: make.them.sex-ay.

That aside, let’s get on with the review — if you’ve ever, in your lifetime, made whooshing noises (fueled by an active imagination, of course) while gliding an action figure in hand, then I can tell you that G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra sort of feels like that — it’s a whole lot of fun (and a half!), but it doesn’t always make sense.  (Also, I’ll try to write this review without making comparisons to that other toy-line-turned-movie Hasbro property.)

After a flashback sequence, we see James McCullen, asking NATO for the secure transport of optimized-for-military-operation-and-can-eat-metal (and you will hear this a couple of times during the course of the movie:) nanomites.

During the transport, the unit is attacked by a yet-unknown, using-brand-new-tech terrorist faction.  The unit fends off the attack as best it could, given that they’re defending against unknown-bad-guys-wielding-unknown-brand-new-tech, only to be rescued by members of another-yet-unknown unit.  In the middle of all of this, are the two remaining survivors, Conrad “Duke” Hauser and Wallace “Ripcord” Weems.

During the debriefing, it is revealed to both of them that they were rescued by G.I. Joe, America’s top-secret, high-tech, elitest-of-the-elite, saving-the-world-on-a-daily-basis special missions forces.  Then begins the retrieving, losing, weaponizing, disable-it-before-it-eats-the-Eiffel Tower and trying-to-blow-up-before-it’s-too-late tug-of-war for the nanomites by G.I. Joe and Cobra.

Like I said earlier, if you’ve ever made whooshing noises (and deciding, at the time, that the whooshing noises give your life meaning) or drooled over a G.I. Joe toy catalog, this is your movie.  Set Twenty Minutes Into The Future, (and if you aren’t into TVTropes yet, might I suggest you check it out … for a coupla hours?) it features all sorts of over-the-top contraptions and vehicles (power armor!  hyperfast underwater vehicle things! prototype voice-activated jets!) that would make you stop and think: the plot is one of those playground scenarios, and the characters are all action figures!

While carrying that “action-figures-as-people” thought, remember that whenever you make up stories for your toys, you could make it up as you go along.  Imagine Stephen Sommers as the kid in the playground with all the Joe toys. Oh, Duke’s still a good guy, but Scarlett’s not pairing up with him (or Snake Eyes) in this incarnation of the Joes.  Cobra Commander’s still a megalomaniac, but he used to  be this science geek — you get the idea.

Joe fans might recognize key phrases inserted into the movie: “kung-fu grip” and “real American hero,” but the new made-up-as-you-go-along part?  Some will (grow to) like it, some won’t.  It’s that simple.

The movie has a lot of great action sequences — that Paris chase?  Explosive!  (Then again, I happen to like explosions, views may be biased)  We are given enough insight into the characters and the motivations (in flashback form, as best it could) compelling them to try and blow each other up.  It’s not The Dark Knight, but it’s massively entertaining.

The casting choice for some of the characters could have been better (they could be, but I’ve adjusted to them like seeing in the dark) — but the main characters who appear for 98% of the movie already did a terrific job of conveying profile-card personalities into film.

The film isn’t perfect, though — there are massive leaps in logic, but none too silly as the ones from the cartoons.  Also, it’s still built from a summer-blockbuster template, which makes some of the scenes impossible to watch without drawing comparison from other movies.  There’s also too much applied phlebotinum in the form of nanomites — from eating metal, to decomposing bodies, to mind control, to ensuring complete loyalty — the nanomites can do it all.  Didn’t like the thing with the Baroness too — can’t say without spoiling, lulz

This is pure entertainment — and there are even plot seeds for possible sequels.  Watch it.  It has ninjas.  Whoosh.

I mean, hey, if The Mummy had a couple sequels and even spin-offs, surely we’re going to get more of the Joes in the future?  :p

3.5/5

[Recommended viewing: If you want more Joes, check out G.I. Joe: Resolute!  Also, here's the theme for the 1987 movie, of which, I posted 2 years ago, lulz]

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A very very special THANKS to TV5, Myk, Azrael and The Movie Bloggers Club!

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In our last episode of “Hey Hasbro, Why Does He Have A Mouth?” we asked, “why does Optimus Prime have a mouth?“  This time around, here’s our question, “why does Snake Eyes have a mouth?”

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If you watch movies to spot plot holes, mistakes and whatnot, here are a few:

• Why did the flamethrower backfire on McCullen? — Apparently, the part where Duke shoots to push back the flame got cut in the cinema where I watched.
• How exactly does a crossbow-corder work?
• Apparently, if you change your hair color and wear bitch glasses, the highly-advanced computers in The Pit will not recognize you.  )
• During the Paris chase, Heavy Duty told Scarlett to suit up — of which she doesn’t, instead, she jumps on a motorcycle and rides just after Duke and Ripcord in Accelerator suits — when the motorcycle blows up, the van arrives about 2 seconds to pick her up.  So, what was the point of Scarlett tagging along in a motorcycle if the van was capable of following/providing back-up anyway?
• If McCullen invented the nanomites, why does he need someone else to weaponize it? On that note, if McCullen invented the nanomites, why not make an extra batch??? — Answered by Noelle “The Baroness” here!

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